In a world filled with negativity, we all like to hear what we did right more than wrong. As parents and adults working with kids, we may start to see problem behavior as something that needs fixing. Kids are smart and resilient; they often learn and grow from making mistakes. But when they struggle with a problem behavior, it can be just as frustrating for them as it is for adults. If they lack the skill to change their behavior, they can develop a negative self-image and low self-esteem.
How we perceive our kids can change the way we interact with them. In the past, I thought my daughter was 'lazy' and felt like I had failed somehow. However, when she started taking dance classes, I asked her to get something at the grocery store in another aisle. To my surprise, she danced all the way there. I realized she is not lazy; she was just saving her energy for something she was interested in.
Offering a kind word, experience, or gesture, especially during a time of struggle, goes a long way to helping children reach their full potential. Our brains naturally tend to focus on the negative, but if we want to shift from surviving to thriving, we need to flip the ‘Strength Switch.’ To make that shift and help children grow into their gifts, we should aim to have five positive statements for each criticism.
Examples of how a small shift can change in our perceptions:
| Our Perception | Strength Switch | Examples of Mastery |
| Child is Anxious | Thoughtful, Protective, Cautious | Art, Relaxation |
| Child Overtalkative | Effective Communicator, Debater | Training |
| Child is Lazy | Creative, Problem Solver | Explore Interests |
| Anger Outbursts | Strong Morals, Energy | Calming Skills |
| Hyperactivity | Athletics, Hyperfocus | Find Their Way |
Many strengths can be found within a problem behavior. Once we shift our perception, we can begin to help children experience reduced negative effects and engage in mastering their strengths.
We can identify and nurture children’s strengths by:
- Noticing their interests, gifts, and ‘superpowers’ – things they do well.
- Gathering information from the child, their teachers, and peers
- Connecting with the child and pointing out their strength, especially during difficult moments
- Consistently reframing their problem behavior as a strength
- Helping them reduce negative effects and increase mastery.
For example, instead of scolding a child who talks too much, we can say, “You are so good with words, have you considered the Debate Team?” For a child who hits others, we can say, “You are so powerful! But people aren’t for hitting, how hard can you hit this Play-Doh or ball?” And for a child who becomes angry easily, we can say, “You have such a good sense of right and wrong, but I am sad to see you get in trouble, could you tell the teacher next time? Take space to calm down?”
This approach may be surprising for kids, as they are used to their behavior being seen negatively, but they quickly embrace the new perspective and light provided by the helping adult. I have seen kids go from being out of control to mastering their behavior and saying, “I’m a big helper,” with one ‘Strength Switch.’ It often takes more time and consistency, but they will invest in our beliefs about them.
The kids in your life want to grow in a positive direction. Radiating your light as a parent or guide will naturally help them want to engage more, grow their gifts, and shine!
Joy Brewer, LPC, provides behavioral health care services at the Pediatric Health Center at International Circle. Joy helps patients with depression, anxiety, loss and trauma, self-esteem, relationships, and meeting their goals for healing and growth.
For appointment scheduling or further information about Peak Vista services, please visit peakvista.org or call (719) 632-5700.
